Hello again! Took a little hiatus from blogging because I really didn't have much to say, but I'm back to share a few thoughts and feelings.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't dreading Sunday, May 11th. Five years ago, Mother's Day was a special day set aside to celebrate the mothers in my life. It still is, but now it is also a day that serves as a bitter reminder of what I am missing. In my heart I know I am a mother, even if I don't look like one on the outside. I just ask that you pray for those of us who go through this day (and everyday for that matter) each year with empty arms.
On a happier note and speaking of celebrating the Mothers in my life, I have two very special ones to mention. They are both two of the strongest and most selfless women I know. My mother was recently admitted to the hospital with what we thought was a heart attack. Thankfully, it was just a side effect to some recent medication. Leave it to my Mom to bounce back ridiculously quick, so much so that she was moving around the furniture in her hospital room. This Mother's Day and I am happy to celebrate her because she deserves it. I love you Mom and I am so blessed to have you in my life.
Look up love and strength in the dictionary and you will find a picture of my Mother-in-Law. She is a mother, a grandmother, a nurse and in the last two months she has taken on even more of the unimaginable, but she has been so strong and selfless through it all. She inspires me more than she knows and I love her dearly.
Lastly, I can't speak of strong women and not mention my sister-in-law and friend, Rachael. This gal is the pillar of strength. Despite her recent cancer diagnosis, she is keeping hope and a positive attitude. She has a tough road ahead, but she is tough gal and she is fighting this battle with grace and more importantly humor. We ask for your prayers and encouragement as she starts this fight. And as she said, (pardon my french) she's going to kick this shit in the ass.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Envy
Envy and jealousy are emotions that resonate all too loudly within the baby loss community. It is an emotion that everyone (baby loss or not) wrestles with in one way or another, but those of us that have lost our children know it all too well.
I struggle with envy and jealousy everyday. I still hurt when I see a pregnant woman, my heart aches for my children when I see a newborn baby and my heart breaks all over again when I see a mother doting over her child. It's a normal emotion, but it affects too many facets of my life. To the point where it has affected my relationships, including my own marriage. I have shied away from social settings that may trigger any sort of painful reminder. I have apologized one too many times for avoiding my closest friends.
The reason I write about this particular topic is because of this article: New Envy Arises. I always wonder if the feelings will fade once I do have a healthy child. This writer thought that as well and then all of a sudden a variation of that feeling came back. I share her envy. I pray that those expecting mothers never have to feel the pain that we feel. I envy those mother's naivety.
Envy and jealousy are normal emotions, but it's important for us to recognize when it may be taking over our lives. I'm thankful that I have recognized it and am taking steps to work through it. Being involved with my Heartstrings group has helped me to work through these feelings, but I feel that it will be something I wrestle with for some time to come. I pray for those of you that may be dealing with the same struggle.
I struggle with envy and jealousy everyday. I still hurt when I see a pregnant woman, my heart aches for my children when I see a newborn baby and my heart breaks all over again when I see a mother doting over her child. It's a normal emotion, but it affects too many facets of my life. To the point where it has affected my relationships, including my own marriage. I have shied away from social settings that may trigger any sort of painful reminder. I have apologized one too many times for avoiding my closest friends.
The reason I write about this particular topic is because of this article: New Envy Arises. I always wonder if the feelings will fade once I do have a healthy child. This writer thought that as well and then all of a sudden a variation of that feeling came back. I share her envy. I pray that those expecting mothers never have to feel the pain that we feel. I envy those mother's naivety.
Envy and jealousy are normal emotions, but it's important for us to recognize when it may be taking over our lives. I'm thankful that I have recognized it and am taking steps to work through it. Being involved with my Heartstrings group has helped me to work through these feelings, but I feel that it will be something I wrestle with for some time to come. I pray for those of you that may be dealing with the same struggle.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Bring it on 2014!
I've been thinking all week about something profound to write about and I've got nothing. I think I'm going to use this post to reflect on 2013 and share my hopes for 2014.
Christmas was very different this year. Most of you may have read about this on Facebook, but my brother was the victim of a random act of violence the week before Christmas. Long story short, he was shot at point blank range in the head on the side of the highway after his car spun out. The man that shot him stole nothing but his cell phone. He thankfully survived and managed to drive himself to the hospital (20 minutes away). Thanks to his military training and a whole lot of Divine Intervention, he's back to his old goofy self. As far as we know, the person who did it has not been caught. That day could have turned out completely different and we thank God it didn't. I want to be angry at that person, but I'm more thankful that my brother's life was spared. Instead of anger, I pray for the troubled soul that did this.
My husband and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary. We have been through a lot and we both have a lot to work on to make our marriage stronger. We are both very independent people and we tend to loose sight of the other person. My hope for us in 2014 is to grow closer and focus more on each other.
I quit my job this year. That was a very hard decision and a huge step into the unknown. I had the pleasure of working with some amazing people, but I realized I was doing a job that was not making me happy. In turn, the stress and unhappiness was impacting my marriage. I've been a "Domestic Diva" for almost 4 months now and I love this job, but 2014 means finding a new career (or at least a job). Professional, organized and detail oriented self starter for hire here!
This year, I was elected to serve as a Deacon at church. I never had good experiences with Baptist churches growing up, so 10 years ago I would have laughed in your face if you said I would be a Deacon at a Baptist Church. I guess God had different plans for me! I absolutely love my church and I am so honored to serve in this position. We have something like 12 adults from our young adult population serving on the Diaconate now. For a church that only had a handful of active young adults 5 years ago, that is huge! Our church continues to grow and I look forward to all the exciting things to come at Emerywood Baptist.
We got back from a family vacation (Benji, myself and the dogs) at the beach in August and a few days later we had to rush our oldest pup, Clawson, to the emergency vet. Essentially, he ruptured a disc and was unable to walk for a very short time. He was so determined to get better that he was walking (very well I might add) within days of coming home. The super, awesome Neuro vet at Carolina Veterinary Specialists said that it would be 4-6 weeks before he would gain noticeable improvement. Boy was she surprised when he came in for his follow up. She couldn't believe how well he was doing. Clawson will be 11 years old this year and he is still just as determined and stubborn as ever. He is a very special part of our lives and we couldn't imagine this house without him in it. We hope he continues to do well through 2014 and stay with us for a long as possible.
I was reflecting yesterday about New Years Eve last year. I distinctly remember telling Benji "This is our year!" Meaning, it was our year to have a baby. Well, we obviously know how that turned out. We are more determined than ever to start our family and our hope is that 2014 really is our year!
On that note, this week has been a tough week for me when it comes to thinking about babies. I've seen so many pregnancy announcements on Facebook that it makes me sick to my stomach. I really am happy for those people, but it's still hard to see. If you've ever suffered a loss like this, then you completely understand where I'm coming from. I'm not trying to be offensive here, I'm just being real. I still avoid situations that may bring up unwanted emotions (i.e. being around women that are pregnant, new babies, etc). That's my problem and no one else's. I still have to work through those emotions and everyday is different. Grief is not something that can just be turned off. Please be patient with me. I've made a lot of progress this year after participating in my Heartstrings group, but there is still progress to be made. I hope to make even more progress this year and I want to have a pregnancy announcement on Facebook too!
I think that covers all the big stuff. All in all, 2013 wasn't a bad year. I have my health, all my family and friends and lots for which to be thankful. My hope for you is that 2014 brings you much joy and happiness!
So, bring it on 2014! I'm ready!
Christmas was very different this year. Most of you may have read about this on Facebook, but my brother was the victim of a random act of violence the week before Christmas. Long story short, he was shot at point blank range in the head on the side of the highway after his car spun out. The man that shot him stole nothing but his cell phone. He thankfully survived and managed to drive himself to the hospital (20 minutes away). Thanks to his military training and a whole lot of Divine Intervention, he's back to his old goofy self. As far as we know, the person who did it has not been caught. That day could have turned out completely different and we thank God it didn't. I want to be angry at that person, but I'm more thankful that my brother's life was spared. Instead of anger, I pray for the troubled soul that did this.
My husband and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary. We have been through a lot and we both have a lot to work on to make our marriage stronger. We are both very independent people and we tend to loose sight of the other person. My hope for us in 2014 is to grow closer and focus more on each other.
I quit my job this year. That was a very hard decision and a huge step into the unknown. I had the pleasure of working with some amazing people, but I realized I was doing a job that was not making me happy. In turn, the stress and unhappiness was impacting my marriage. I've been a "Domestic Diva" for almost 4 months now and I love this job, but 2014 means finding a new career (or at least a job). Professional, organized and detail oriented self starter for hire here!
This year, I was elected to serve as a Deacon at church. I never had good experiences with Baptist churches growing up, so 10 years ago I would have laughed in your face if you said I would be a Deacon at a Baptist Church. I guess God had different plans for me! I absolutely love my church and I am so honored to serve in this position. We have something like 12 adults from our young adult population serving on the Diaconate now. For a church that only had a handful of active young adults 5 years ago, that is huge! Our church continues to grow and I look forward to all the exciting things to come at Emerywood Baptist.
We got back from a family vacation (Benji, myself and the dogs) at the beach in August and a few days later we had to rush our oldest pup, Clawson, to the emergency vet. Essentially, he ruptured a disc and was unable to walk for a very short time. He was so determined to get better that he was walking (very well I might add) within days of coming home. The super, awesome Neuro vet at Carolina Veterinary Specialists said that it would be 4-6 weeks before he would gain noticeable improvement. Boy was she surprised when he came in for his follow up. She couldn't believe how well he was doing. Clawson will be 11 years old this year and he is still just as determined and stubborn as ever. He is a very special part of our lives and we couldn't imagine this house without him in it. We hope he continues to do well through 2014 and stay with us for a long as possible.
I was reflecting yesterday about New Years Eve last year. I distinctly remember telling Benji "This is our year!" Meaning, it was our year to have a baby. Well, we obviously know how that turned out. We are more determined than ever to start our family and our hope is that 2014 really is our year!
On that note, this week has been a tough week for me when it comes to thinking about babies. I've seen so many pregnancy announcements on Facebook that it makes me sick to my stomach. I really am happy for those people, but it's still hard to see. If you've ever suffered a loss like this, then you completely understand where I'm coming from. I'm not trying to be offensive here, I'm just being real. I still avoid situations that may bring up unwanted emotions (i.e. being around women that are pregnant, new babies, etc). That's my problem and no one else's. I still have to work through those emotions and everyday is different. Grief is not something that can just be turned off. Please be patient with me. I've made a lot of progress this year after participating in my Heartstrings group, but there is still progress to be made. I hope to make even more progress this year and I want to have a pregnancy announcement on Facebook too!
I think that covers all the big stuff. All in all, 2013 wasn't a bad year. I have my health, all my family and friends and lots for which to be thankful. My hope for you is that 2014 brings you much joy and happiness!
So, bring it on 2014! I'm ready!
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Divine Intervention
I've been meaning to share this all week, but the week just got away from me. Last week I decided I wanted to find an ornament (or ornaments) to memorialize the babies. So last week I was on a mission to find angel/cherub ornaments. I went to so many places that I lost count. It was a crummy weather day and I was in a wretched mood. Not the kind of mood you want to be in to find what I was looking for. This was also the day I had to finally write the letter to my children, so that was looming over me as well. I was in Hobby Lobby and there were kids everywhere. I was surrounded by kids while I was looking for ornaments for my dead children. Just another painful reminder. I know that probably sounds harsh, but that's just the kind of mood I was in that day. Of course I couldn't find anything there, so I took my bad mood back to the car and headed on to the next store.
All week, I had been listening to the audio version of Heaven is for Real. One of the families in our group gave us all copies. Some may know the book, but if not it's about a four year old boy who had a visit to Heaven during a life threatening surgery. The book, written by his father, is about the things he tells his parents he saw during his visit to Heaven.
So I'm driving to the next store, in the rain with my terrible attitude, when the chapter starts where they talk about the baby they miscarried. The son was not aware of the miscarriage, but he claims he met his sister in Heaven. The parents also didn't know it was a girl. The chapter was about their feelings about the miscarriage and the fact that their child was in Heaven even though she was never born. My attitude started to change a little. I have faith that my children are in Heaven. I don't know if this child really saw these things, but even still it gives me hope knowing I will see my children again one day.
As I pulled into my parking spot at the next store I saw a car in the next aisle with a Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness sticker. I have one on my car and I've maybe seen one other one in the last couple of years. I believe there are definitely times in your life when you hear or see something that you needed at that very moment. Call it what you will, Divine intervention or coincidence. Regardless, I needed it right then.
Back to the ornament! I never found one I liked in all the stores I went to that day, but I came home after my Heartstrings meeting that night and took a shot at finding one on the internet. I just couldn't find one that felt right and then BAM! This one finds me. The item description was "angel prints - loss ornament honoring 5 babies." It wasn't an angel ornament, but it was way better! This Etsy store ships loss ornaments next day. I ordered it late Thursday night and it was hanging on my tree by Monday morning. It's perfect, just like my babies.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
A letter to my children
Our "homework" for our meeting tonight was to write a letter to someone that has been involved in our grief journey. At least those were my interpretations of the directions because I kind of freaked out when I got the assignment. So much so that I put off writing it until about an hour before we met. Thankfully, most everybody else did the same thing.
I knew I wanted to write to my children, but wasn't sure what to say. I know how I feel about them, but how do I put it into words? I don't have a hard time writing this blog, so why was it so hard to do this? It was hard to put these words to paper, painful even. After I shared it tonight, I felt better. It was a cathartic experience. I want to share my letter with you. It's "short and sweet" and to the point. Here goes...
We also talked about making meaning. We are all at different stages in our losses and it's hard to make meaning of such a difficult situation. It's taken years for me to find a silver lining amidst the pain. I feel like I have made meaning with this blog. I think my children's short lives were meant to help me and help others. I know the physical reason why they did not survive, but I don't know the reason why this had to happen to me. I don't know why this has to happen to anyone. I have accepted that this happened to me and now it's up to me to make the most of it.
Until next time friends...
I knew I wanted to write to my children, but wasn't sure what to say. I know how I feel about them, but how do I put it into words? I don't have a hard time writing this blog, so why was it so hard to do this? It was hard to put these words to paper, painful even. After I shared it tonight, I felt better. It was a cathartic experience. I want to share my letter with you. It's "short and sweet" and to the point. Here goes...
My dear angels,
The most important thing I want you each to know is how much
you are loved. I long for the day that I can hold each of you in my arms and
see your smiles. I yearn to hear your laughter and your cries. I was filled
with excitement and fear when I found out about each of you. I had so many
plans for you. I never imagined I would have to say goodbye before we even met.
I have peace knowing you are in the arms of our Heavenly Father.
I am so grateful for each of you. Your lives, no matter how short,
were meaningful. You made me a Mommy. You each made me stronger than I ever
thought I could be. You will always be a part of me.
I love you always my precious babies.
We also talked about making meaning. We are all at different stages in our losses and it's hard to make meaning of such a difficult situation. It's taken years for me to find a silver lining amidst the pain. I feel like I have made meaning with this blog. I think my children's short lives were meant to help me and help others. I know the physical reason why they did not survive, but I don't know the reason why this had to happen to me. I don't know why this has to happen to anyone. I have accepted that this happened to me and now it's up to me to make the most of it.
Until next time friends...
Monday, December 2, 2013
Giveaway from Sufficient Grace Ministries
Found this giveaway today from Sufficient Grace Ministries. It's the first in 5 days of giveaways. Enter for yourself or for another deserving Mother.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
6 Years
6 years ago today I was getting ready to say "I Do" to my honey. As I sit here snuggled with my honey and our pups, I am very grateful. This is not the life I envisioned for us that December day 6 years ago, but I am grateful for what it is. I wish there was a child snuggled here with us, but there isn't and it's okay because I know there will be some day. This journey, no matter how hard, gives me reason to be grateful. I have a greater appreciation for what I do have. There is always something for which to be thankful.
Until next time friends...
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