Wow, I decided to look back at this blog I started years ago. At that moment in time I had every intention of blogging all the time and like everything else in my life I tried it and gave up. I have a tendency to do that, even as a child. I quit gymnastics when I was 9 (or 10 maybe) because it was cutting into my active Saturday social life. No joke, true story. I can't even begin to list all the things I've started and never finished.
One thing that I have chosen to see through to the bitter end is starting our family. See I have children, 5 of them to be exact. They aren't with me here on earth. I never held them in my arms, but they are my children and I am their mother. Tell me differently and I promise you'll regret you ever said it. I look back at my very first post in 2010 and that person had no clue what was about to happen. Who would have thought that all these years later I would still be sitting here without a child in my arms? Definitely not me. What amazes me the most is that I have actually survived it all. I sometimes have to pinch myself to make sure this is all real. Much to my disappointment, it's real and not a bad dream.
*I am getting ready to explain the details of my last miscarriage so stop reading now if you don't want to know the physical details. It's really not gory, but consider yourself warned.*
I have never been one to share my emotions verbally. I NEVER deal with my emotions. I push them down deep and hope they go away. "Ain't nobody got time for that." I have been dealing with my grief internally for years, and by dealing I mean shoving it into that deep down hole hoping it never comes back out. But in the last few months I have forced myself to confront my grief head on. Honey and I started with a support group over the summer. The organization is called Heartstrings. They are amazing and I could go on and on about them. I'll save that for later. A few weeks into the session we found out we were pregnant for the 5th time. Out of respect to the other women, I decided not to continue with the group. That was the last week of June. I started spotting on July 4th. I was only 5 weeks along. We went to the MD that Friday and it was too early to tell anything. Ultrasound showed the pregnancy, blood work was done and we were to go back on Monday. That weekend was hell. I'd been in that hell before and it was just as hard as the last time. 48 hours felt like 100 years. We did as much as we could to keep our minds off it, all the while trying to convince ourselves that everything was going to be fine this time. Monday came and sure enough, nothing showed on the ultrasound. "I'm sorry" came out of the doctor's mouth yet again.
"Pick yourself up and carry on Suzi, you've done this before," I tell myself. After 5 miscarriages, the initial shock wears off pretty quick. I was back at work within a few days and going strong. The grief was still there though, as was the grief from the 4 other children I lost. It was still nagging at me. I looked up the Heartstrings support group again in October. There was a group starting the next day. I HAD to do this. I HAD to see it through this time. 8 weeks later, I can't imagine my life without this group. That first 2 weeks, I dreaded it and I tried to think of reasons not to go, but I soldiered on and I'm so grateful I did.
I am a different person than I was 4 years ago and I am a different person than I was 8 weeks ago. I am stronger and more courageous than I ever imagined I could be; but I can also be way more bitter and doubtful than I ever imagined I could be. I struggle with it every day. Grief brings out the best and the worst in people, it definitely has with me. So long story not so short, I am seeing this through. I know there is a huge light at the end of this tunnel, even if it looks like a little speck right now.
Until next time friends...
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