Envy and jealousy are emotions that resonate all too loudly within the baby loss community. It is an emotion that everyone (baby loss or not) wrestles with in one way or another, but those of us that have lost our children know it all too well.
I struggle with envy and jealousy everyday. I still hurt when I see a pregnant woman, my heart aches for my children when I see a newborn baby and my heart breaks all over again when I see a mother doting over her child. It's a normal emotion, but it affects too many facets of my life. To the point where it has affected my relationships, including my own marriage. I have shied away from social settings that may trigger any sort of painful reminder. I have apologized one too many times for avoiding my closest friends.
The reason I write about this particular topic is because of this article: New Envy Arises. I always wonder if the feelings will fade once I do have a healthy child. This writer thought that as well and then all of a sudden a variation of that feeling came back. I share her envy. I pray that those expecting mothers never have to feel the pain that we feel. I envy those mother's naivety.
Envy and jealousy are normal emotions, but it's important for us to recognize when it may be taking over our lives. I'm thankful that I have recognized it and am taking steps to work through it. Being involved with my Heartstrings group has helped me to work through these feelings, but I feel that it will be something I wrestle with for some time to come. I pray for those of you that may be dealing with the same struggle.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Bring it on 2014!
I've been thinking all week about something profound to write about and I've got nothing. I think I'm going to use this post to reflect on 2013 and share my hopes for 2014.
Christmas was very different this year. Most of you may have read about this on Facebook, but my brother was the victim of a random act of violence the week before Christmas. Long story short, he was shot at point blank range in the head on the side of the highway after his car spun out. The man that shot him stole nothing but his cell phone. He thankfully survived and managed to drive himself to the hospital (20 minutes away). Thanks to his military training and a whole lot of Divine Intervention, he's back to his old goofy self. As far as we know, the person who did it has not been caught. That day could have turned out completely different and we thank God it didn't. I want to be angry at that person, but I'm more thankful that my brother's life was spared. Instead of anger, I pray for the troubled soul that did this.
My husband and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary. We have been through a lot and we both have a lot to work on to make our marriage stronger. We are both very independent people and we tend to loose sight of the other person. My hope for us in 2014 is to grow closer and focus more on each other.
I quit my job this year. That was a very hard decision and a huge step into the unknown. I had the pleasure of working with some amazing people, but I realized I was doing a job that was not making me happy. In turn, the stress and unhappiness was impacting my marriage. I've been a "Domestic Diva" for almost 4 months now and I love this job, but 2014 means finding a new career (or at least a job). Professional, organized and detail oriented self starter for hire here!
This year, I was elected to serve as a Deacon at church. I never had good experiences with Baptist churches growing up, so 10 years ago I would have laughed in your face if you said I would be a Deacon at a Baptist Church. I guess God had different plans for me! I absolutely love my church and I am so honored to serve in this position. We have something like 12 adults from our young adult population serving on the Diaconate now. For a church that only had a handful of active young adults 5 years ago, that is huge! Our church continues to grow and I look forward to all the exciting things to come at Emerywood Baptist.
We got back from a family vacation (Benji, myself and the dogs) at the beach in August and a few days later we had to rush our oldest pup, Clawson, to the emergency vet. Essentially, he ruptured a disc and was unable to walk for a very short time. He was so determined to get better that he was walking (very well I might add) within days of coming home. The super, awesome Neuro vet at Carolina Veterinary Specialists said that it would be 4-6 weeks before he would gain noticeable improvement. Boy was she surprised when he came in for his follow up. She couldn't believe how well he was doing. Clawson will be 11 years old this year and he is still just as determined and stubborn as ever. He is a very special part of our lives and we couldn't imagine this house without him in it. We hope he continues to do well through 2014 and stay with us for a long as possible.
I was reflecting yesterday about New Years Eve last year. I distinctly remember telling Benji "This is our year!" Meaning, it was our year to have a baby. Well, we obviously know how that turned out. We are more determined than ever to start our family and our hope is that 2014 really is our year!
On that note, this week has been a tough week for me when it comes to thinking about babies. I've seen so many pregnancy announcements on Facebook that it makes me sick to my stomach. I really am happy for those people, but it's still hard to see. If you've ever suffered a loss like this, then you completely understand where I'm coming from. I'm not trying to be offensive here, I'm just being real. I still avoid situations that may bring up unwanted emotions (i.e. being around women that are pregnant, new babies, etc). That's my problem and no one else's. I still have to work through those emotions and everyday is different. Grief is not something that can just be turned off. Please be patient with me. I've made a lot of progress this year after participating in my Heartstrings group, but there is still progress to be made. I hope to make even more progress this year and I want to have a pregnancy announcement on Facebook too!
I think that covers all the big stuff. All in all, 2013 wasn't a bad year. I have my health, all my family and friends and lots for which to be thankful. My hope for you is that 2014 brings you much joy and happiness!
So, bring it on 2014! I'm ready!
Christmas was very different this year. Most of you may have read about this on Facebook, but my brother was the victim of a random act of violence the week before Christmas. Long story short, he was shot at point blank range in the head on the side of the highway after his car spun out. The man that shot him stole nothing but his cell phone. He thankfully survived and managed to drive himself to the hospital (20 minutes away). Thanks to his military training and a whole lot of Divine Intervention, he's back to his old goofy self. As far as we know, the person who did it has not been caught. That day could have turned out completely different and we thank God it didn't. I want to be angry at that person, but I'm more thankful that my brother's life was spared. Instead of anger, I pray for the troubled soul that did this.
My husband and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary. We have been through a lot and we both have a lot to work on to make our marriage stronger. We are both very independent people and we tend to loose sight of the other person. My hope for us in 2014 is to grow closer and focus more on each other.
I quit my job this year. That was a very hard decision and a huge step into the unknown. I had the pleasure of working with some amazing people, but I realized I was doing a job that was not making me happy. In turn, the stress and unhappiness was impacting my marriage. I've been a "Domestic Diva" for almost 4 months now and I love this job, but 2014 means finding a new career (or at least a job). Professional, organized and detail oriented self starter for hire here!
This year, I was elected to serve as a Deacon at church. I never had good experiences with Baptist churches growing up, so 10 years ago I would have laughed in your face if you said I would be a Deacon at a Baptist Church. I guess God had different plans for me! I absolutely love my church and I am so honored to serve in this position. We have something like 12 adults from our young adult population serving on the Diaconate now. For a church that only had a handful of active young adults 5 years ago, that is huge! Our church continues to grow and I look forward to all the exciting things to come at Emerywood Baptist.
We got back from a family vacation (Benji, myself and the dogs) at the beach in August and a few days later we had to rush our oldest pup, Clawson, to the emergency vet. Essentially, he ruptured a disc and was unable to walk for a very short time. He was so determined to get better that he was walking (very well I might add) within days of coming home. The super, awesome Neuro vet at Carolina Veterinary Specialists said that it would be 4-6 weeks before he would gain noticeable improvement. Boy was she surprised when he came in for his follow up. She couldn't believe how well he was doing. Clawson will be 11 years old this year and he is still just as determined and stubborn as ever. He is a very special part of our lives and we couldn't imagine this house without him in it. We hope he continues to do well through 2014 and stay with us for a long as possible.
I was reflecting yesterday about New Years Eve last year. I distinctly remember telling Benji "This is our year!" Meaning, it was our year to have a baby. Well, we obviously know how that turned out. We are more determined than ever to start our family and our hope is that 2014 really is our year!
On that note, this week has been a tough week for me when it comes to thinking about babies. I've seen so many pregnancy announcements on Facebook that it makes me sick to my stomach. I really am happy for those people, but it's still hard to see. If you've ever suffered a loss like this, then you completely understand where I'm coming from. I'm not trying to be offensive here, I'm just being real. I still avoid situations that may bring up unwanted emotions (i.e. being around women that are pregnant, new babies, etc). That's my problem and no one else's. I still have to work through those emotions and everyday is different. Grief is not something that can just be turned off. Please be patient with me. I've made a lot of progress this year after participating in my Heartstrings group, but there is still progress to be made. I hope to make even more progress this year and I want to have a pregnancy announcement on Facebook too!
I think that covers all the big stuff. All in all, 2013 wasn't a bad year. I have my health, all my family and friends and lots for which to be thankful. My hope for you is that 2014 brings you much joy and happiness!
So, bring it on 2014! I'm ready!
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