Divine Intervention

I've been meaning to share this all week, but the week just got away from me. Last week I decided I wanted to find an ornament (or ornaments) to memorialize the babies. So last week I was on a mission to find angel/cherub ornaments. I went to so many places that I lost count. It was a crummy weather day and I was in a wretched mood. Not the kind of mood you want to be in to find what I was looking for. This was also the day I had to finally write the letter to my children, so that was looming over me as well. I was in Hobby Lobby and there were kids everywhere. I was surrounded by kids while I was looking for ornaments for my dead children. Just another painful reminder. I know that probably sounds harsh, but that's just the kind of mood I was in that day. Of course I couldn't find anything there, so I took my bad mood back to the car and headed on to the next store.

All week, I had been listening to the audio version of Heaven is for Real. One of the families in our group gave us all copies. Some may know the book, but if not it's about a four year old boy who had a visit to Heaven during a life threatening surgery. The book, written by his father, is about the things he tells his parents he saw during his visit to Heaven.

So I'm driving to the next store, in the rain with my terrible attitude, when the chapter starts where they talk about the baby they miscarried. The son was not aware of the miscarriage, but he claims he met his sister in Heaven. The parents also didn't know it was a girl. The chapter was about their feelings about the miscarriage and the fact that their child was in Heaven even though she was never born. My attitude started to change a little. I have faith that my children are in Heaven. I don't know if this child really saw these things, but even still it gives me hope knowing I will see my children again one day. 

As I pulled into my parking spot at the next store I saw a car in the next aisle with a Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness sticker. I have one on my car and I've maybe seen one other one in the last couple of years. I believe there are definitely times in your life when you hear or see something that you needed at that very moment. Call it what you will, Divine intervention or coincidence. Regardless, I needed it right then.

Back to the ornament! I never found one I liked in all the stores I went to that day, but I came home after my Heartstrings meeting that night and took a shot at finding one on the internet. I just couldn't find one that felt right and then BAM! This one finds me. The item description was "angel prints - loss ornament honoring 5 babies." It wasn't an angel ornament, but it was way better! This Etsy store ships loss ornaments next day. I ordered it late Thursday night and it was hanging on my tree by Monday morning. It's perfect, just like my babies.

 

Here is a link to the Etsy store:

 Little Miss Dress Up
 

A letter to my children

Our "homework" for our meeting tonight was to write a letter to someone that has been involved in our grief journey. At least those were my interpretations of the directions because I kind of freaked out when I got the assignment. So much so that I put off writing it until about an hour before we met. Thankfully, most everybody else did the same thing.

I knew I wanted to write to my children, but wasn't sure what to say. I know how I feel about them, but how do I put it into words? I don't have a hard time writing this blog, so why was it so hard to do this? It was hard to put these words to paper, painful even. After I shared it tonight, I felt better. It was a cathartic experience. I want to share my letter with you. It's "short and sweet" and to the point. Here goes...

My dear angels,

The most important thing I want you each to know is how much you are loved. I long for the day that I can hold each of you in my arms and see your smiles. I yearn to hear your laughter and your cries. I was filled with excitement and fear when I found out about each of you. I had so many plans for you. I never imagined I would have to say goodbye before we even met. I have peace knowing you are in the arms of our Heavenly Father.

I am so grateful for each of you. Your lives, no matter how short, were meaningful. You made me a Mommy. You each made me stronger than I ever thought I could be. You will always be a part of me.

I love you always my precious babies.

We also talked about making meaning. We are all at different stages in our losses and it's hard to make meaning of such a difficult situation. It's taken years for me to find a silver lining amidst the pain.  I feel like I have made meaning with this blog. I think my children's short lives were meant to help me and help others. I know the physical reason why they did not survive, but I don't know the reason why this had to happen to me. I don't know why this has to happen to anyone. I have accepted that this happened to me and now it's up to me to make the most of it.

Until next time friends...

 

Giveaway from Sufficient Grace Ministries

Found this giveaway today from Sufficient Grace Ministries. It's the first in 5 days of giveaways. Enter for yourself or for another deserving Mother.

6 Years

6 years ago today I was getting ready to say "I Do" to my honey. As I sit here snuggled with my honey and our pups, I am very grateful. This is not the life I envisioned for us that December day 6 years ago, but I am grateful for what it is. I wish there was a child snuggled here with us, but there isn't and it's okay because I know there will be some day. This journey, no matter how hard, gives me reason to be grateful. I have a greater appreciation for what I do have. There is always something for which to be thankful.

Until next time friends...