A letter to my children

Our "homework" for our meeting tonight was to write a letter to someone that has been involved in our grief journey. At least those were my interpretations of the directions because I kind of freaked out when I got the assignment. So much so that I put off writing it until about an hour before we met. Thankfully, most everybody else did the same thing.

I knew I wanted to write to my children, but wasn't sure what to say. I know how I feel about them, but how do I put it into words? I don't have a hard time writing this blog, so why was it so hard to do this? It was hard to put these words to paper, painful even. After I shared it tonight, I felt better. It was a cathartic experience. I want to share my letter with you. It's "short and sweet" and to the point. Here goes...

My dear angels,

The most important thing I want you each to know is how much you are loved. I long for the day that I can hold each of you in my arms and see your smiles. I yearn to hear your laughter and your cries. I was filled with excitement and fear when I found out about each of you. I had so many plans for you. I never imagined I would have to say goodbye before we even met. I have peace knowing you are in the arms of our Heavenly Father.

I am so grateful for each of you. Your lives, no matter how short, were meaningful. You made me a Mommy. You each made me stronger than I ever thought I could be. You will always be a part of me.

I love you always my precious babies.

We also talked about making meaning. We are all at different stages in our losses and it's hard to make meaning of such a difficult situation. It's taken years for me to find a silver lining amidst the pain.  I feel like I have made meaning with this blog. I think my children's short lives were meant to help me and help others. I know the physical reason why they did not survive, but I don't know the reason why this had to happen to me. I don't know why this has to happen to anyone. I have accepted that this happened to me and now it's up to me to make the most of it.

Until next time friends...