Divine Intervention

I've been meaning to share this all week, but the week just got away from me. Last week I decided I wanted to find an ornament (or ornaments) to memorialize the babies. So last week I was on a mission to find angel/cherub ornaments. I went to so many places that I lost count. It was a crummy weather day and I was in a wretched mood. Not the kind of mood you want to be in to find what I was looking for. This was also the day I had to finally write the letter to my children, so that was looming over me as well. I was in Hobby Lobby and there were kids everywhere. I was surrounded by kids while I was looking for ornaments for my dead children. Just another painful reminder. I know that probably sounds harsh, but that's just the kind of mood I was in that day. Of course I couldn't find anything there, so I took my bad mood back to the car and headed on to the next store.

All week, I had been listening to the audio version of Heaven is for Real. One of the families in our group gave us all copies. Some may know the book, but if not it's about a four year old boy who had a visit to Heaven during a life threatening surgery. The book, written by his father, is about the things he tells his parents he saw during his visit to Heaven.

So I'm driving to the next store, in the rain with my terrible attitude, when the chapter starts where they talk about the baby they miscarried. The son was not aware of the miscarriage, but he claims he met his sister in Heaven. The parents also didn't know it was a girl. The chapter was about their feelings about the miscarriage and the fact that their child was in Heaven even though she was never born. My attitude started to change a little. I have faith that my children are in Heaven. I don't know if this child really saw these things, but even still it gives me hope knowing I will see my children again one day. 

As I pulled into my parking spot at the next store I saw a car in the next aisle with a Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness sticker. I have one on my car and I've maybe seen one other one in the last couple of years. I believe there are definitely times in your life when you hear or see something that you needed at that very moment. Call it what you will, Divine intervention or coincidence. Regardless, I needed it right then.

Back to the ornament! I never found one I liked in all the stores I went to that day, but I came home after my Heartstrings meeting that night and took a shot at finding one on the internet. I just couldn't find one that felt right and then BAM! This one finds me. The item description was "angel prints - loss ornament honoring 5 babies." It wasn't an angel ornament, but it was way better! This Etsy store ships loss ornaments next day. I ordered it late Thursday night and it was hanging on my tree by Monday morning. It's perfect, just like my babies.

 

Here is a link to the Etsy store:

 Little Miss Dress Up
 

A letter to my children

Our "homework" for our meeting tonight was to write a letter to someone that has been involved in our grief journey. At least those were my interpretations of the directions because I kind of freaked out when I got the assignment. So much so that I put off writing it until about an hour before we met. Thankfully, most everybody else did the same thing.

I knew I wanted to write to my children, but wasn't sure what to say. I know how I feel about them, but how do I put it into words? I don't have a hard time writing this blog, so why was it so hard to do this? It was hard to put these words to paper, painful even. After I shared it tonight, I felt better. It was a cathartic experience. I want to share my letter with you. It's "short and sweet" and to the point. Here goes...

My dear angels,

The most important thing I want you each to know is how much you are loved. I long for the day that I can hold each of you in my arms and see your smiles. I yearn to hear your laughter and your cries. I was filled with excitement and fear when I found out about each of you. I had so many plans for you. I never imagined I would have to say goodbye before we even met. I have peace knowing you are in the arms of our Heavenly Father.

I am so grateful for each of you. Your lives, no matter how short, were meaningful. You made me a Mommy. You each made me stronger than I ever thought I could be. You will always be a part of me.

I love you always my precious babies.

We also talked about making meaning. We are all at different stages in our losses and it's hard to make meaning of such a difficult situation. It's taken years for me to find a silver lining amidst the pain.  I feel like I have made meaning with this blog. I think my children's short lives were meant to help me and help others. I know the physical reason why they did not survive, but I don't know the reason why this had to happen to me. I don't know why this has to happen to anyone. I have accepted that this happened to me and now it's up to me to make the most of it.

Until next time friends...

 

Giveaway from Sufficient Grace Ministries

Found this giveaway today from Sufficient Grace Ministries. It's the first in 5 days of giveaways. Enter for yourself or for another deserving Mother.

6 Years

6 years ago today I was getting ready to say "I Do" to my honey. As I sit here snuggled with my honey and our pups, I am very grateful. This is not the life I envisioned for us that December day 6 years ago, but I am grateful for what it is. I wish there was a child snuggled here with us, but there isn't and it's okay because I know there will be some day. This journey, no matter how hard, gives me reason to be grateful. I have a greater appreciation for what I do have. There is always something for which to be thankful.

Until next time friends...

Fear

Along with the feelings of grief, I have an overwhelming feeling of fear. I fear that I will have to suffer the pain of losing a child again. I fear that I will never have a living child. I fear that I will one day hear "I'm sorry, but you can't physically have children."  Some days I don't want to continue on this journey to start our family and there are some days where hope is non-existent. There are days when the statistics of pregnancy and infant loss are too daunting and discouraging. Despite the fear, something keeps me going. I've always wanted to be a mom and the longer we try the more I yearn for it. I can literally feel the hole in my heart that will only be filled when I am able to hold my child in my arms. I have this picture in my mind of a sweet (and stubborn) red headed child running around our home, that gives me hope. That is what keeps me going everyday.

It's weird how things show up at exactly the right time. I was just taking a break from writing and logged onto Facebook. I saw a post about this article written by one of the Heartstrings staff members, Defining Hope. The article is being featured on Still Standing magazine, a great resource for grieving families.

On a side note, many people ask me if we have considered adoption. Yes we have, but we aren't ready to start on that particular journey just yet.

Until next time friends...



So there's this guy...

His name is Benji and he just happens to be my husband. I need to tell you about him, because he's pretty darn special. First, I want to tell you how this man walked into my life. Sorry it's long read.

I've known Benji's sister Rachael for some 15 years. I met her for the first time at Peace College. We were juniors or seniors in high school visiting the college and I saw this spunky red headed gal that had the same Old Navy backpack purse as me so of course I had to talk to her. She lived on the floor below mine our freshman year of college and we continued to be friends throughout college and after.

Fast forward to 2006. My sister and her family relocated to High Point from New Orleans after Katrina hit. I had never lived near my sister, in fact I had only know of her existence for 4 years by that point. There's a long story here and I'll tell you about it at another time. I quit my job in Raleigh and moved to the Triad to be closer to this long lost family of mine. The day I moved here I had dinner with that spunky red head. Her brother, whom I had never met, was playing music that night at a local restaurant so we went there for dinner. I met her brother Benji. I was immediately attracted to him. I always thought that I'd never be attracted to a bald man, but this one was different. Wait...he's my friend's brother, that's just weird. I put the thought behind me and began my new life in the Triad. Two weeks later there was a party for that spunky red head because she was getting ready to start a big journey of her own. Benji's band was playing at the party so I saw him again. He was still a hottie, but he was still my friend's brother and once again put the thought behind me. Two days later I got a message from him (on My Space - seriously, it was cute) asking me out on a date. I quickly called Rachael because I wasn't going out with her brother if she wasn't ok with it (little did I know she had pretty much everything to do with the whole thing). I went out with Benji for the first time on a snowy February night in Winston Salem. I was living with my other sister at the time and when I came home from the date I told my sister "I am going to marry that man!" We were married on December 1, 2007.

There are a lot of things that make my husband special. He's a genuinely good man with a huge heart. He loves his family, his friends, his pups and his church. He's an awesome Uncle to his nieces and nephews. He's going to be the coolest Dad. He's never met a stranger. He could sell ice to an Eskimo. He has an amazing voice and loves to play music. He is the most humble man I have ever met. He makes me laugh, even when I'm mad at him. He supported my decision to leave my job so I could "discover" myself and he works very hard to provide for us. He takes care of me when I'm sick and holds my hand when I'm scared. Most importantly, he's stuck with me through it all. I'm not an easy person to live with, but he loves me unconditionally. Even when I push him away, he still manages to love me. He loves me despite my flaws. I love him with ever fiber of my being, even
though I don't usually show it. He makes me a better person and it is an honor to be his wife.

Until next time friends...

  

 

 

Thank you!

I am so overwhelmed with everyone's sweet comments and messages. I connected with many friends that I haven't spoken to in years just because of that one little post. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me that you took the time out to read it and comment.

After I wrote that post yesterday I felt amazing. There is something so freeing about sharing my story. I am writing this to help me and I hope it helps you in some way too. Please read it and feel free to share it with others. Also, feel free to ask me anything about my story. I'm finally ready to share it all if you are willing to hear it.

As I told many people yesterday, I love to talk about my babies. I didn't always feel that way. Whenever I would get the dreaded " do you have any children" question, I would quickly say "no, but someday." I said no to avoid an awkward conversation. I also hated hearing "trying is the fun part" or " you're young, you have plenty of time." I realized that when I said no, I wasn't honoring my children. I have challenged myself in the last 2 months to say yes, I do have children. They are in the arms of Jesus. I have a necklace that I wear with all of their expected due dates and birthstones. Whenever someone asks about it I smile and tell them those are my babies. I love them, they are worth talking about and should be honored.

Thank you again for reading and for your love, prayers and support. Benji and I are truly blessed with amazing family and friends. I'm blessed to know you all and so thankful to have you in my life.

Until next time friends...

Let's see this through...

Wow, I decided to look back at this blog I started years ago. At that moment in time I had every intention of blogging all the time and like everything else in my life I tried it and gave up. I have a tendency to do that, even as a child. I quit gymnastics when I was 9 (or 10 maybe) because it was cutting into my active Saturday social life. No joke, true story. I can't even begin to list all the things I've started and never finished.

One thing that I have chosen to see through to the bitter end is starting our family. See I have children, 5 of them to be exact. They aren't with me here on earth. I never held them in my arms, but they are my children and I am their mother. Tell me differently and I promise you'll regret you ever said it. I look back at my very first post in 2010 and that person had no clue what was about to happen. Who would have thought that all these years later I would still be sitting here without a child in my arms? Definitely not me. What amazes me the most is that I have actually survived it all. I sometimes have to pinch myself to make sure this is all real. Much to my disappointment, it's real and not a bad dream.

*I am getting ready to explain the details of my last miscarriage so stop reading now if you don't want to know the physical details. It's really not gory, but consider yourself warned.*

I have never been one to share my emotions verbally. I NEVER deal with my emotions. I push them down deep and hope they go away. "Ain't nobody got time for that." I have been dealing with my grief internally for years, and by dealing I mean shoving it into that deep down hole hoping it never comes back out. But in the last few months I have forced myself to confront my grief head on. Honey and I started with a support group over the summer. The organization is called Heartstrings. They are amazing and I could go on and on about them. I'll save that for later. A few weeks into the session we found out we were pregnant for the 5th time. Out of respect to the other women, I decided not to continue with the group. That was the last week of June. I started spotting on July 4th. I was only 5 weeks along. We went to the MD that Friday and it was too early to tell anything. Ultrasound showed the pregnancy, blood work was done and we were to go back on Monday. That weekend was hell. I'd been in that hell before and it was just as hard as the last time. 48 hours felt like 100 years. We did as much as we could to keep our minds off it, all the while trying to convince ourselves that everything was going to be fine this time. Monday came and sure enough, nothing showed on the ultrasound. "I'm sorry" came out of the doctor's mouth yet again.

"Pick yourself up and carry on Suzi, you've done this before," I tell myself. After 5 miscarriages, the initial shock wears off pretty quick. I was back at work within a few days and going strong. The grief was still there though, as was the grief from the 4 other children I lost. It was still nagging at me. I looked up the Heartstrings support group again in October. There was a group starting the next day. I HAD to do this. I HAD to see it through this time.  8 weeks later, I can't imagine my life without this group. That first 2 weeks, I dreaded it and I tried to think of reasons not to go, but I soldiered on and I'm so grateful I did.

I am a different person than I was 4 years ago and I am a different person than I was 8 weeks ago. I am stronger and more courageous than I ever imagined I could be; but I can also be way more bitter and doubtful than I ever imagined I could be. I struggle with it every day. Grief brings out the best and the worst in people, it definitely has with me. So long story not so short, I am seeing this through. I know there is a huge light at the end of this tunnel, even if it looks like a little speck right now.

Until next time friends...